The Air Was Cold
by SlytherinDoe
Summary: This one will keep you guessing. Rated M for future smut.
1. Chapter 1

**So, hello my friends! I do apologize for the horrendously long break I've taken in my writing! So much has happened! I've gone to college, met a boy, and am overall extremely busy! I want to also apologize for the state of my other many stories. Unfortunately, I have no plans as of yet to finish them. Looking back, I have tried to better my writing and I find it hard to think about going back and editing all of my previous stories. But that doesn't mean it won't happen, lovelies! Just not right now! This is a new story I am starting so I can still write without hating my previous stuff. I hope you enjoy it, dears. I've got big plans for this one!**

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The air was cold and dry. The kind of air that could make a person feel canyons forming in their cheeks as their skin dried. The kind that made eyes water and chapped lips that always seemed to taste of iron. Lily Evans sat alone beside the lake. The usual humidity of the water was absent in that winter air. She drew her knees up and smiled, sticking out her pink tongue to catch snowflakes. Lily loved the winter. Colors were more vivid against the stark blankness. Everything was sharp and undeniably beautiful. The branches of the willow tree above her were bent with the weight of ice drippings that made it look more like a chandelier than a tree. With each snowfall everything was familiar and yet new all at once. Lily just couldn't get enough.

She blew out a breath and watched the little cloud of smoke billow outwards, a small giggle passing her lips. So what if she was easily entertained? Somebody had to notice the small things.

She sat until her bum was numb with the cold before reluctantly standing, brushing the flakes away with hands guarded by red wooly mittens. She knew she had to go back home, but she honestly wished she didn't. The place was a madhouse, filled with swatches of lace and tiny samples of designer cakes. Lily had been caught up in the excitement of her sister's wedding at first, of course, but as time passed she was beginning to find more and more reason to stay out of the house. Her sister was becoming a right bitch.

A small voice in her head, a memory she knew, whispered, "_She's always been a bitch, Lils. You're just stubborn_."

Lily almost laughed to herself. Almost. The owner of that voice was gone now. She hadn't seen him all summer, despite her many tentative trips to the lake. She hadn't seen him this Christmas break either. Vaguely, she wondered if he'd just stayed at Hogwarts.

The thought of the boy she'd known sitting alone on Christmas upset her. Even the new Purebloods he'd been chummy with lately would've gone home. He'd be alone. But, hey, maybe that's how he wanted it.

She instantly regretted her own thoughts, scuffling home with her face slightly downcast. She'd had over a year to think over the incident by the lake. Where her best friend had called her a name he had always protected her from. Severus, her Sev, would be alone for Christmas. Of course she was still upset with him about what he'd said. She wanted him to hurt like she was hurt, but she knew she couldn't allow him to be alone for another Christmas. He'd been at Hogwarts last year and she hadn't even had the decency to send him a card, she was still so angry with him.

Well, that would change this year. Over the time she'd spent alone, with mostly only Alice to lean on, she'd realized a few things about her former best friend. Severus was… Well, Severus was introverted. She'd known that already of course, but really… He had been beyond ashamed being ridiculed in front of such a large group. He'd lashed out at her, just as she'd done a dozen times to him when she was upset or embarrassed. And while he had definitely used the wrong words towards her, she hadn't done much different. No, she hadn't insulted his blood status, but she had done something she'd never done to him before. She'd smiled, turned around, and walked away. She'd listened to the jeers as James and his motley crew had charmed his pants right down to his ankles. And she knew that her abandonment had hurt him even more than the shame. She'd never left him before. Then again, he'd never used the tone he reserved for the Marauders on her. He'd never called her a Mudblood.

Lily rubbed her mittens together to warm her hands and then stuck them in her armpits again. She shivered. She'd looked in his eyes that last night and they were the clearest she'd ever seen them, pleading with her to accept his heart wrenching apology, and again she'd done the exact same thing. She'd rejected his words, turned her back, and left him in the hall. For a while, she'd felt liberated. She'd felt strong and free from him and the baggage he brought. She'd gone out with her girlfriends. She'd gotten close to Alice. She'd gone for Butterbeer in Hogsmeade and thoroughly enjoyed the social life. Very little of which she ever did with Severus. But, through the nights she'd cried herself to sleep missing him and the hours in the library studying, seeing Alice where she expected him, she was tired of it all. She felt guilty for thinking of him as a burden because he wasn't. He'd never been. She was simply hurt and as terrible as it sounded, it made her feel just a little bit better to bring him down. But to put it quite frankly, she missed his quiet friendship.

She made it home just as she'd finished her reverie. Not a moment after walking inside, a thin, angular girl barreled towards her. "Out! Out!," Petunia screeched as Lily was pushed backwards by the big gaudy excuse for a wedding dress she had on. Lily pushed back, her eyebrows knit together.

"I'm going anyways! Don't get your knickers in a twist!" Lily huffed and hurried up the stairs, glimpsing the small group of high society friends Petunia had invited over to help pick her wedding dress. All of them sipping cheap wine and eating small cucumber sandwiches as they cooed over Petunia's positively horrid dress.

Lily threw herself on her bed with a groan, gathering one of her pillows beneath her chin and closing her eyes. Perhaps it was time to patch things up. Perhaps he didn't want her friendship any longer. Her heart clenched uneasily at the thought of that and she sighed. Whatever the answer, he deserved to know someone was thinking of him. She knew he had to be miserable, unfortunately more so if he was home for Christmas this year. She sat up and looked about her slightly unkempt room for a notepad and paper, curling up in bed as she began to write. There was a time for everything to end. Even this silence between them.

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**Tell me what you hate, what you love, whatever! Thank you for reading!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Hello again! I know this is rather late but here is the next installment. I hope it catches you off guard. I have big plans for this fic, remember? I have to keep you all guessing!**

The woman awoke as the clanging of metal rang about the stone walls around her. She hardly bothered opening her eyes, knowing it would be futile to try and see in this sort of darkness. She heard the whimpers of whoever else was trapped with her, and curled herself as close to the back of her cell as possible, trying to avoid the greedy hands as they reached for her. The man at her door stepped inside and chuckled as she shook her head pleadingly, having been here long enough to know what to expect from such visitors. In fact, she had been here longest out of all of the poor souls now. New voices had been added periodically to the surrounding drafty cells. New moans. New screams of pain.

The man approaching her did not force her to the ground as she expected him to, nor did he start his work of beating her until she too screamed for mercy. No, he grabbed her arm and yanked her upwards.

"On yor feet now!" He ordered her huskily. "We don' have all day!"

The little amount they had fed her showed in her gait. Her legs shaking, she stumbled after him as best she could, her fate resigned to wherever he was taking her. James wasn't here any longer to protect her. She'd come to terms with that. Even her baby was gone now. She was utterly alone. She only hoped someone would end this soon, or she would find a way herself.

Her eyes stared down at her own feet, noticing the caked blood along her legs and the state her clothing was in. The night gown she had been wearing the night she had been taken and her family killed, was what she wore now. Although now it hung off her as if she were a corpse; her ribs jutting out and her hip bones prominent in her state of starvation and abuse. She knew she must look wretched, not even like herself any longer.

She could hear voices coming from up ahead, and that was when she noticed the girls dragged behind her. There were at least two. She could tell by the differences in their stammering pleas. They must not have been here long. She had stopped speaking long ago. She stumbled and the man holding her cruelly jerked her arm upwards again. She winced but said nothing as he passed two more men.

"Oi! Look at this one, Yaxley!" One of them barked as he made a grab for her breast. She did not attempt to get away, however she was surprised when the man holding her jerked her out of reach.

"This one's got a purpose! No soiling her any further yet. Dark Lord's orders," he growled. Both the men grunted and mumbled to each other angrily, but she couldn't hear what they said and focused the rest of her energy on following her holder.

The room was lit uncomfortably high for her eyes so accustomed to the darkness of below. She squinted and shivered as she felt the corridor open into a room, large by the amount of voices she heard within it. Though, it was silent mere moments after she felt herself enter and out of her own curiosity she decided to look at her surroundings.

Men lined a large and ornately carved table, sitting in equally luxurious chairs. She felt their eyes on her, though she could not see them, silver masks worked into the faces of demons glittering in the light as they stared at her. She knew what this was. She knew who these people were but she could only guess what was about to happen to her. She flinched as she felt someone near her and immediately dropped her head as a pale figure stood before her. She felt him breathe, could smell the cologne on his neck that couldn't quite mask the smell of blood on his lips. He terrified her more than the silence and more than the visitors in the middle of the night. She trembled. After several moments, however, he turned and proceeded to examine the other women behind her.

"No, no! Don't t-touch me!" Lily heard a feminine voice squeak and the hall was filled immediately with a scream. Then silence. She heard the figure move to the next girl who had enough sense to keep quiet save for a few whimpers of fear. Then the man turned to his silent audience and chuckled, his voice powerful.

"My friends! My friends… Tonight is a night of rejoicing. We have had another successful raid of the Ministry and have captured one of their own. I cannot release who, you understand, but I assure you soon they will be most… Compliant." A silent pause filled the room, tension thickening the air. Lily felt as if she could hardly breathe.

Her legs were weakening and she knew she wouldn't be able to stand for much longer, but she held her ground as the man continued. "These women are your entertainment tonight. You may do as you wish to them, however, I ask you leave them well enough alive. As you are aware, progress cannot be made without men and women to fight. As you are also aware, we will not live forever. I request this of you, friends. Children, brought up knowing their place in this world as well as the place of those lesser. I order more children. Go home tonight and fuck your women. I give you each two months to become productive before punishment begins. Goodnight, friends. Enjoy."

And with that the figure left the room. The silence bore on and when the woman managed to look up at the people at the table she saw them all staring back at her. The women behind her screamed as their handlers fell on them, the tearing sounds of clothing accompanying their cries. Lily felt herself being released as her handler moved off to the other two women, obviously finding them more suitable for his pleasure than her. She heard chairs moving and footsteps approaching. Hands, desperate enough to use her worn down body, pulled her to the ground. She did not struggle, she did not have the strength. She could hear the sound filling the room of men fighting for a first go at them. The woman kept her eyes closed and waited for the feeling of the man atop her to take her as she knew he would. But to her surprise, she felt his weight lessen. The commotion around her grew louder and she heard someone grunt as he was pushed away. She could hardly make out words anymore, her mind wishing for unconsciousness instead of bearing the inevitable.

She felt someone atop her once again and heard a growling as other shadows approached. No one else touched her beside the man straddling her now. He must have some sort of power amongst them. Those with power were especially cruel.

"Fuck, man! I know you've not been laid in at least a year, but share!" The others around grunted with agreement but the man atop her didn't budge.

"Go to the others," she heard him growl. "They're younger and healthier anyway. This one's the worst of them. Leave me be."

The men around grumbled but shuffled off to the cries of despair coming from behind the woman. She could feel the man dragging her to the side, away from it all. He didn't say a word, but one of his arms pulled her firmly to his chest just as she lost consciousness.

Things used to be so simple. No more. No more of this.


	3. Chapter 3

This woman couldn't be her.

The man, his mask abandoned on the ratty carpet, kneeled beside the broken form of a human laying against his pillow. He held a warm rag in his hand, a bowl of broth set to the side for when she woke.

_If she wakes…_

He shook his head. Of course she'll wake. She had to. The man swallowed the lump in his throat and again raised the rag to her gaunt cheek. Even in her state of unconsciousness he could tell she was not at peace. How long had she been down there? Why hadn't he known of it?

Severus sighed, his long black locks hanging lankly past his cheeks as always. It had been so long since he'd seen her this close. Their seventh year at school he had tried to push her from his thoughts. He had been recruited. He'd finally had a purpose and he was jumping at the chance to prove himself. But that hadn't stopped him from noticing the looks she sometimes graced him with. If he hadn't known any better, he'd have said she'd looked guilty.

Oh, but he did know better. He was the one who deserved the guilt. He'd ruined everything.

He wished the rag he was using to clean away the blood and grime was softer. It was just the old rough thing he occasionally used to dust around his little hovel. Merlin, when she woke up she would be disgusted. She'd probably be frightened of him.

The wave of self-loathing that followed that thought was almost unbearable. He deserved it, of course. The man he worked for had done this to her. He stopped his cleaning for a moment and just looked at her solemnly then. Her legs were thin and covered in fingertip shaped bruises. He was able to count each and every little bone in her feet. As his eyes moved upward, he noted that her pelvis was visible, along with her ribs. Her arms sported knobby elbows and skeleton hands. Her face haunted him. Her eyes were sunken in and rimmed with bruises. Her lips were cracked and dull and her cheekbones jutted sharply from her skin. Her hair was matted and dirty. She had been through hell. It pained him to know he would have to put her through more. He wanted to caress her cheek, but instead simply bowed his head a little.

"Lils? … Please. Wake up."

Ice cream cones and hot summer days. The sunshine rippling beautifully across the water as laughter filled the air. A little red-haired girl screaming, "Oh, Dragon! Oh, my!," as a mildly reluctant looking dark haired boy chased after her, his fingers bent like claws. She was so young and he was already too old for this foolishness, but he still played. For the little girl's happiness.

Grey and a cold chill filled the air. A young woman sat at that same shore and hid the tears on her cheeks in the soft wooly mittens on her hands. Where was he? Where was he?

The woman woke slowly, as if her body were reluctant to enter again the world of torment it had grown to expect. The smell of the broth, however, brought her back and as her eyes opened she was surprised to find the dim lighting did not illuminate her cell. She first noticed the candles sitting in their holders along the wall with hot wax dripping steadily down the sides. The colors of the wax was not matched, nor were the types of wood that made up the many rough looking bookshelves in the chamber. Books were overflowing on each one, though they all seemed to have a place despite the lack of space. There was a small mirror hung to the right of her with a crack in the middle as if whoever looked there hadn't liked what they'd seen. It was warm in the room and the quilts beneath her were soft and old. It smelled… familiar in this chamber, though she couldn't quite place it. Distantly, she heard a clanging but was not particularly concerned. To die here would be a far better way than bleeding and cold in that cell.

Wait. She wasn't bleeding. In fact, she was clean. She smiled then as she realized that small truth. It had been so long since she had felt clean and dry and warm. It was heaven. Someone had to have done this for her.

Her thoughts were distracted, however, by the smell of the soup. Her head turned to look at the steaming bowl, buttered bread resting against it. It looked like the most luxurious meal she could've asked for in that moment. She tried to move, but found her arms and legs immobile as if glued to the mattress. She whimpered. Seeing the food and being unable to have it actually brought tears to her eyes. It had been so long since she'd eaten she couldn't remember her last meal.

What she hadn't expected was the figure at the door. He was holding a potion ladle, still dripping, and his eyes were wide. She looked at him steadily, though her mind was weak. Familiar… Tall. Dark hair. She groaned then and her attention again turned to the soup. Footsteps approached and for a moment, as the bowl was lifted by elegant hands, she thought it was being taken away. She whimpered again in protest, but not a moment after, the spoon was held against her lips. The man was being careful not to spill it on her but he shouldn't have been so concerned because she did not allow a single drop of the rich broth to escape. That's how she ate. He would spoon sip after sip of broth into her mouth, occasionally tearing a small piece of bread and pressing that to her lips as well. She ate all he would give her which, regrettably, wasn't very much. When he'd given her the last and she whimpered for more she saw him shake his head and whisper, "No more. You'll be sick."

His voice was familiar too. She yawned.

He covered her with another quilt and blew out the surrounding candles. She was asleep before he could step from the room.


	4. Chapter 4

Severus sat by her bedside, for the fifth time that night spoon feeding her from a bowl of soup. Over the past couple days she had graduated from sipping watery broth, to chewing bits of potato and chicken when they were offered. He made certain each meal had a small mixture of vitamins, minerals, and potions added in order to keep strengthening her. She had hardly spoken, aside from a few soft whimpers in her sleep. He sighed and cooled the next spoonful by gently blowing on it, with the same care he always gave her. He had hardly slept. She was up nearly every hour either whimpering from nightmares, hungry, or needing the loo. He would dutifully serve her as best he could, hoping that by his service she would learn to trust him.

She hadn't shown him any signs of recognition. He knew he'd grown taller, thinner, more haggard but he'd hoped she would have given him some clue that told him she knew it was him. Alas, her green eyes were always blank as she stared up at him. He hoped her mind was not ruined by her time in Malfoy's dungeon.

He knew what had happened to her. Being very careful not to expose her, he had taken a wet rag to her body in a sort of bath. He had seen the scratch marks and the bruises coating her inner thighs. He hadn't dared look further, but he could guess she had been abused sexually many times during her imprisonment. It made him very angry to think on so he kept it from his mind, tucking it behind his walls of Occlumensy and hoping he would not be forced to scar her in such a way.

The Dark Lord required children. That's what he had said. Severus let out a deep sigh and set the empty bowl aside, beginning to help her up so she could work her legs a little and use the loo. He couldn't stop thinking about it. He was ordered to give the Dark Lord a child. And he was to use Lily in the process. He swallowed and clutched her just a little tighter as he helped her to the loo and shut the door, waiting for her knock to tell him he could once again enter to help her out.

What a cruel joke. A baby with the only woman he'd ever loved was a dream he'd idly toyed with since around fourth year. That's when he'd begun to realize that Lily Evans was the only girl he could ever truly love. But that hope had been taken away. Her husband and their son were dead and although he had hated James for taking her away he couldn't muster any anger towards the dead man now. The child she had lost would still be a fresh memory in her mind. How could he ask her such a favor after what she'd been through?

Her knock came then and he opened the door to help her out, noticing how timid her hand was as she reached for his arm. She was wary of him. As she should be. He swallowed thickly and again helped her to bed, adjusting the pillows comfortably and tucking the blankets around her.

Then, he chose to do something he had not done yet. He sat with her. She stared at him. He cleared his throat a little and began to speak, his voice barely a whisper, "Lily, I…" he cleared his throat, "I don't know if you are actually listening, but..." Merlin, there were tears. He shook his head, his silky locks dropping in front of eyes as he often had them do to hide the emotions in his eyes. "I don't know if you're able to understand but I just want you to know that I will not hurt you. I-It's me, Lily. It's Severus."

Somehow saying his own name, admitting himself to her was more difficult than he thought. His words stuck in his throat and he fought to get them out. "Lily, you have every right to be angry. You should be sorely disappointed in me. I'm… I-I'm so sorry this has happened to you."

He swallowed and blinked a few times too many to keep the tears from falling. He wanted to hold her hand. He wanted some sort of assurance from her that at least she understood. But those blank eye stared back at him with no semblance of understanding. He looked at her and he looked away, unable to see her in such a state any longer. Standing, he gathered the dishes, a haggard look in his eyes. He was tired. He was so tired. Best go to sleep until she woke again. He started out the door when he heard her cough a little and he stopped. She coughed again and he turned to check on her. To his surprise she was sitting up a little, her thin arms pushing against the mattress. She looked at him, his eyes wide with shock, and she spoke in a soft hoarse voice, "Sev..?"

He stared at her and swallowed again, nearly dropping the dishes he was holding in surprise. He couldn't move. He could hardly breathe. All he could muster was a nod.

_She called me 'Sev'._

"Oh…" She said then and her head rested back against the pillows. Her eyes were suddenly sharp. They were the eyes he remembered. His hands shook.

"O-Oh?" He said quietly, not understanding her remark.

She stared at him a moment longer as if mustering the strength to speak again. Finally, after several minutes she gave him the barest of smiles and whispered, "That soup was lovely."

That drew a tiny smile from him, but he didn't dare come closer so she could see it. He simply nodded, trying to keep his voice neutral. It wavered still, "Would you l-like some more?"

Her tiny nod sent him rushing to fill the bowl again.

She was speaking. She was Lily. She was going to be okay.


	5. Chapter 5

**To all my lovely readers: hello again! Thank you to all those who reviewed and know that your questions will be answered. **

**Just remember, I'm going to keep you guessing!**

Lily sat in her favorite overstuffed chair, nestled between two great shelves of books. One hand held up the novel she was perusing that moment while the other idly ran its' fingers through her fiancés' wild black hair. The ring on her finger glittered merrily and a slight smile seemed to always be playing at her lips. She was happy with him and excited for their future.

"Done with that book yet, lioness?" James sighed and looked up at her with those watery blue eyes of his. She rolled her green ones and shook her head.

"No. And if you can't be patient leave and go play with Sirius." She knew he wanted to get outside to enjoy the nice day, and although she appreciated his kindness regarding choosing to stay in with her, she was becoming impatient with his pouting. He shook his head quickly as if he knew he had upset her and laid his head back once again to allow her to continue combing through his hair.

Out of the corner of her eye she detected another student entering the library. It was a bit unusual for a Saturday like this one, full of blue skies and warm spring air, but when she saw the new invader she immediately went back to reading. Or at least to pretending she was.

Severus.

Of course he would be here on the weekends. He didn't care much for outdoor activities. She swallowed and fidgeted a bit, James attention caught by her squirming. When he opened his eyes to look at her and instead saw the skinny, black haired boy, he growled a little.

"James, don't…" It was almost like speaking to a dog sometimes. He let out a hard breath and grumbled incoherently, but did as he was told and relaxed back against her. He'd been far less hostile towards Severus since Lily and he had become officially a couple. Lily knew it was because he thought he didn't have competition any longer. But that didn't mean he disliked him any less.

Sometimes Lily felt horribly for never patching things up with him. She'd meant to, she honestly had, but every time she'd almost wrote him or said "hello" she'd chickened out at the last moment. Some Gryffindor she'd turned out to be.

Some Gryffindor, indeed…

He'd be back soon. He'd promised.

Lily sat up in bed, unable to concentrate on the magazines in her lap. They'd been a gift, of course. It was always something with him, wasn't it?

The few times she had managed to catch his eye, she did not like what she saw. Out of most anyone, she had always been able to read him best when they were younger. She was glad to see his small mannerisms hadn't changed.

He'd aged a lifetime, however, in the time they'd been apart. Wrinkles lined his eyes and his voice had grown deeper, more steady. It was almost as if he was hand choosing each of his words with special care whenever he spoke to her. Of course, what he did say was of little consequence. After what he'd said when she'd first awoken, everything else was miniscule in importance. He'd ask her, for example, if she needed help to the loo or what she might like to eat. Though she had no room to complain about his dutifulness, she was becoming lonelier each day. It was almost as if they'd never been best friends.

Stumbling footsteps falling from down the hall made her look up from the magazine she'd read a dozen times. What she saw surprised her.

Severus struggled into the room under the weight of the lumpy cardboard box. With a grunt he managed to deposit it at the foot of the bed, and she smiled a little as he panted to catch his breath.

"What've you brought?" She asked curiously, having not actually spoken to him very much since she'd gained consciousness. He raised an eyebrow and pulled out a smaller box, carrying it over to her and lying it gently in her lap. Then, he took out what was so heavy. A record player.

She could have squealed with joy when she saw it and uncovered the box of records on her lap. Sitting in the bed for nearly a week had caused endless boredom. But this was so exciting she just couldn't stop smiling. His lips had upturned slightly as well at her contagious joy.

"Which would you like to hear first?"

She giggled and shrugged, carefully choosing an old Elvis album. She'd loved Elvis, even though he was a bit old by the time she'd become a fan. His voice was like velvet.

"I know you love that one."

The way he said that made her look up at him, but he was so focused on cleaning the old record he wasn't paying attention. He blew the dust from it and placed it on the player, setting the needle carefully. Immediately the room was enveloped in the voice of the King. He let out a soft sigh and sat down in the rocking chair in the corner. He closed his eyes. Lily smiled a little as she watched him but she did not know what to say. His foot tapped with the rhythm of the song.

By the time the record had played itself through, Severus was asleep. She could tell because his foot had stopped tapping and his head lolled a little to the side. She smiled at him and sighed, closing her eyes as well. He was certainly trying to make things easier on her. But he had to realize she'd be leaving once she was strong enough. And that day was not far away.


	6. Chapter 6

**Hello everyone! Here's the next chapter! Reviews are what keep me going so I really appreciate your thoughts! **

One month. That was it. Before…

Severus was pacing his study, his robes slithering about his ankles. He was to provide the Dark Lord with a child. And by Lily no less. He had to admit the panic was setting in. He had no idea what to do. It was either force himself on her, or watch her killed in front of him.

_Useless women don't last long._

He swallowed thickly, his head turning towards the sound of footsteps down the hall. She was up. Merlin, what was he going to do? He couldn't sneak her away. They'd simply find her and torture her again, and this time they may not be quite so forgiving. He ran a hand through his hair and sat down in his chair to compose himself as he awaited the knock at his door. He needed to appear calm and collected.

"Severus…?" called the voice softly through the door.

"Yes, Lily. Come in."

The woman pushed the door open gingerly, still a little wobbly on her feet, and stepped into the small office space as if she were already uncomfortable in his presence. Things were so awkward between them. It really was as if they'd never known each other.

He watched her wring her hands nervously and raised a silky black eyebrow at her, his expression neutral. Why was she nervous?

"Are you hungry?" He asked politely, noting her body weight was nearly back to normal.

"No." She said softly and bowed her head a little. The room filled with an awkward silence.

"Well, are you feeling alright, then?" He looked at her a little closer. She'd finally gotten over a little virus that had made her vomit for three days.

"I'm fine." She swallowed and took a deep breath. He noticed a light tremor envelope her body. "Severus, I-… I have to leave now."

His eyes widened a moment, then he concealed his shock and cleared his throat. She was asking to leave… Didn't she know?

"You can't." He replied, his voice quiet but firm. She shook harder and he knew she was struggling to hold back tears.

_She's frightened of me…_

His heart sank. After all he'd done, after all the nights sitting up with her when she had her nightmares, she was still terrified of him. His gaze softened a little.

"Please…" she whimpered and he saw a glittering tear fall to the ground.

"They'll kill you, Lily. They'd rape you, then they'd kill you. And they'd make me watch. I can't let you leave. I can't let that happen." Though his voice was matter-of-fact he was internally breaking. Now… was as good as ever. "Lily, the Dark Lord requires children."

There was silence. He did not look up to meet her eyes if she were now looking at him. She was intelligent. She knew what was meant by his statement.

"Be that as it may, I will not use you as those men did. I… We were given two months, everyone was. But one's already passed." He was finding it difficult to explain. He didn't want the sex. Not like he did when he was a teenager just noticing the way her soft body curved so perfectly. No. He knew this was going to hurt her emotionally, and despite his feelings he couldn't imagine enjoying something that hurt her. "He's going to start punishments if we don't comply."

"What is he going to do with the babies?" He heard her whisper and he looked up at the woman before him, her body still shaking but a sharpness in her eyes he knew all too well.

"I don't know." He admitted quietly. Her lips thinned and she stared at him, shaking her head.

"Severus, I can't…" she started, but he stopped her.

"Lily- he'll kill you."

"He'll kill my baby." She retorted and for a moment he was surprised she had even entertained the thought of them having a baby. He recovered quickly.

"No one knows what he'll do. But… I would not allow that to happen." He said quietly as she stared at him.

"Severus. He killed my family. You didn't save us then. You can't save me now."

"I didn't know, Lily. No one did!" He shook his head. "If I had known I'd have gone to Dumbledore himself to protect your family."

She looked at him skeptically and he was offended, his eyebrows furrowing.

"I would have! But I can't do anything now except keep your heart beating and that's what I'm going to do." He ground his teeth. "I am very sorry about Potter and your son, but believe me when I say I had no idea it was happening."

"So, what? We have to have sex now? Is that what this is about, Severus? You want to fuck me?" Tears were steadily streaming down her cheeks and she was beginning to tremble. He was offended but knew her words came out of fear and remembrance of her previous experience.

"That's not it at all, Lily." He said with the utmost gentleness, swallowing back the self-hatred. "I can just… give you the stuff and you can apply it." He blushed deeply. "This is the only way to keep you completely safe. As long as he needs you, no harm will come to you."

She was silent for several minutes, finally taking a seat in an old nearby chair. "I want my children to be born out of love, Severus." She started and the words he longed to say floated to the forefront of his mind at once. But he kept them back, staring at her as he listened. "Y-You've been so kind and I… I don't understand why. Why did you take care of me? You… You could've gotten me pregnant at any point during this month. Why didn't you? You're a Death Eater."

"Yes, but I'm not a monster." He replied quietly, his voice cracking a little. "Lily. You're… You've always been my best friend. I would do anything for you. I just want you safe."

She shook her head and sniffled, her arms wrapping around her own torso in a sort of self hug. She looked beyond frightened, unsure, and helpless. Finally, as if she were defeated, she bowed her head with a sigh.

"Tonight, then. After dinner." Then she stood and left him sitting there in shock.


	7. Chapter 7

Dishes clinked sharply against one another in the warm soapy water as Severus worked thoroughly over them with a sponge. Normally, of course, he would've set the dishes to washing themselves but tonight was different. Tonight, he did not wish to finish dinner. He might have if he knew a relaxing night of potion making or reading awaited him, but that was not within the realm of possibility tonight. The source of his anxiety rose from the empty table finally, a long breath leaving her lips. He could feel her staring at his back as he washed a grimy pan.

"I'll be upstairs."

_Fuck._

He did not respond, continuing his work on the lingering few plates, his heart rate steadily rising. When he was finished here, he had no excuse to prolong her waiting. He was going to have to go upstairs, get naked, and force his unwanted touch upon her. He did not know what else to do. This would buy them nearly a year of safety.

Severus hadn't been laid in a while. It had never really bothered him much. Most women tended to avoid him. Though he'd been with a couple in recent years, if they were a fair representation of sexual pleasure, he did not care to have any part of it. The women, Pureblood Death Eaters, tended to be on more of the sadistic side. He was quiet and would not complain. Even though Severus was far from submissive, the women had talked him into trying out many "scenes" that had turned out to be quite painful for him. He shuddered at the memory.

The man stared down at his hands, wrinkled and dripping with sudsy dish water. He toweled them dry and started the long walk up the stairs. When he reached the top, he knocked quietly on the door to his bedroom. "Lily?"

"Yeah."

He could hear the uneasiness in her voice, hoping she heard his own. He didn't want her to think he was eager for this. This would hurt her. This would destroy any hope for a friendship he had. He wanted nothing more than to walk into that room with a chess board and forget their talk earlier. He knew he couldn't, but he wished for it anyways,

Stepping inside the room, he met her gaze in broken glances, unable to maintain eye contact. She was still fully clothed, thank Merlin. Perched in the middle of the bed she stared at him as he sat down in his usual chair beside the bed. He cleared his throat.

"Why don't you get on with it?," she suddenly snapped irritably. Her brow was furrowed and her arms crossed and she wasn't looking at him.

He shrugged, his voice very quiet, "Do you want my clothes off?"

"It's hard to fuck with them on." He cringed at her use of the harsh word and nodded dumbly. His fingers shook slightly as he unbuttoned his robes, allowing the fabric to fall away from his alabaster skin. He stood and unbuttoned his trousers as well, the thick fabric falling around his ankles. The way she stared made him uncomfortable, his eyes settling on the floor.

Hugging himself, he mumbled, "Uhm, you can just take your trousers off if you like. I-… I don't need anything else." He wanted to humiliate her in the very least amount possible. Ashamed of himself, he stood waiting for her response.

"Okay, yeah," She whispered in an almost relief filled voice and he heard the rustling of fabric and a soft thud as her trousers hit the floor. He stared at them, her knickers nestled in the pile as well. His eyes made their way to her and he found her nestled beneath the blankets, her eyes wide. "Come on…"

He did as she bid him and crawled onto the bed, sitting beside her and allowing her to look at him. Curiously, her finger grazed a ragged scar left long ago by his father. He'd had a pan of boiling oil spilled on him as punishment for knicking a sweet from his father's stash at the age of three. He shivered.

"Are you sure you don't just want it in a cup or something?," he blurted out and blushed a harsh red, his eyes on his books.

"Babies aren't a potion, Severus. You're going to do this right." It was a way to punish him. It had to be. She must really hate him to make him do this. He felt her fingers brushing past the elastic on his boxers and he closed his eyes. Her fingertips brushed over the limp bundle in his boxers and he let out a soft breath.

"I can do that, You don't have to." He honestly didn't know if he could do it himself. His mind was not in it. But no amount of anxiety could keep his insatiable desire for the girl touching him from becoming fully aroused. An embarrassingly small amount of time later and he was unbelievably hard, desperate to get this over with.

"Okay, now it's your turn," Lily mumbled and he watched her lay back submissively. This was not love. This was numbness. This was fear. He hated it. He wanted to be with Lily more than anything and the gods must be playing this cruel joke on him to punish him further for his sins. He straddled her, staring down at the pillow instead of her face and stopped.

"I'll be gentle… It will be over quickly," he promised. He mumbled a lubrication charm, knowing there was no way in hell he was going to be able to get her excited for what he was about to do. He pulled down his boxers, repositioned, and slowly eased himself inside.

She whimpered and her hands immediately went to his arms, digging her fingernails into his skin. "Stop."

He did as he was told. For more his own comfort than hers, he buried his face in her neck, unable to study her features and see the pain he was causing there. She smelled of the lavender shampoo he had bought her. Her skin was lightly coated in sweat and he could feel her blood pulsing quickly just on the other side of the skin on her throat. "Are you okay?," his voice cracked.

"Hurts…" She took in a shaky breath and he nodded, immediately beginning to pull away.

"Okay, we're done-…"

"No." Her hand went to cup the back of his neck and he stayed perfectly still. He didn't want to hurt her. Oh, Merlin. "Just hurry. Go. Now."

He started to protest, his neck pulling back so he could argue with her but then she screeched in his ear, "For the love of God, Severus!"

She was crying, he could hear it in her voice. She didn't want him to see it. He had never loathed himself more than he did in the moment when he felt his hips beginning to move. He bit his tongue, not allowing himself to feel the pleasure of being with her. He could taste blood and it still wasn't blocking it out.

_In and out. In and out. She's crying. I'm hurting her._

It took him longer than he'd promised. Ten whole minutes. She was bleeding five minutes in and she still wouldn't let him stop. Finally, he was done and he was out and pulling away faster than she could react. She stared up at him as he stood and stared back down at her. Blood coated his manhood. He was panting.

"We're not doing that again." He shook his head and backed away from her, pulling on his trousers. That was worse than being Crucio'd. That was worse than his father's beatings. That was worse than death, he was certain of it. Lily sniffled and curled up on the bed, her body trembling.

"Okay." She whispered. He went to go get things to clean her up with. His hands trembling, he wiped away the blood and semen that oozed out of her, tears welling in his eyes. She said nothing.

He left the room.


	8. Chapter 8

She could feel his fingers still on her hips, his breath on her neck, his trembling as he thrust. Her eyes closed and she shivered, the memory of what had happened two weeks ago still fresh in her mind. She hadn't enjoyed it in the slightest. Admittedly, the only reason she'd allowed it to happen was her fear of that pale figure who'd come so near to her the night Severus rescued her.

Some Gryffindor she turned out to be.

Rescued? Was that really the correct term for what he'd done? She curled up a bit tighter into herself on the bed. His bed. He was still sleeping on that saggy couch. Magazine pages, long forgotten, rustled in the breeze from the tiny crack in the window. She stared at the colorful pictures absently, then stood. She needed the loo.

Footsteps outside her door raised her heart rate slightly and she hurried to finish her business.

"Don't flush," came that familiar deep voice. She did as she was asked, knowing exactly why he didn't want her to flush. He needed to know if their efforts had proved a success. She stepped out, glancing at the man before her. If he didn't look so damned ashamed of himself, he'd be intimidating. He was at least a foot taller than her, his lanky black hair hanging in front of his face in a sort of shield. She didn't think she'd seen the color of his eyes since they're ten minutes in bed together.

She returned to bed, her back to him. If it was negative, she'd make him go through it again. It was her only power here. She could see plainly he did not like it. Must be because she's just another Mudblood whore to the likes of such a mighty Death Eater. The little bit of power she had, she would hold over him. Revenge, of sorts, for the death and torture they'd brought into her lives.

She heard his slow exhale from the bathroom and a flush of the toilet. She placed a hand against her lower stomach, curious. She could see out of the corner of her eye that he was leaving the room without a glance her direction. She sat upright in bed and stared at him. He stopped, not looking at her. There was a long silence before he spoke.

"I must start dinner. Shepherd's Pie. I'll put it in the oven, then you'll be able to find me in my potion room. I have to start on your prenatal draughts." His voice dropped off at the end and Lily's face paled. She brought her knees to her chest, her eyes suddenly welling with tears.

"Monster." She whispered and Severus again stopped dead in his tracks. He turned and stared evenly at her. They were open. His black eyes that were always so guarded back in school were open and full of fear. He was that frightened little nine year old again, who desperately tried prolonging their games so he wouldn't have to go home and face his father. She swallowed, her shoulders beginning to shake, sobs of fear starting to rip from her small form. He watched her a moment more then sat in the chair beside her bed.

"I've-… I've never been a Dad before, Lils...," he whispered, his voice not at all stoic or threatening. "I know this is not what you want. This is not what I wanted. Not the baby, just… the way the baby's come about, but I promise you, I-…" He paused, struggling with his next words. Lily had quieted, her eyes on his, still curled tightly around herself. "I'm getting out. I realized that there's no way a child is safe under Voldemort. Lucius Malfoy and his wife are expecting a son and we've been… Speaking. They're as frightened as I am. I promised you I'd keep the baby safe and I intend to keep that promise. Do you understand?"

She nodded, very slowly, tears leaking down her cheeks. This was the soft Severus she'd known. He had always spoken in this tone with her whenever they were alone, whenever the Marauder's weren't giving him hell. She edged towards him on the bed. He continued.

"We have to make appearances. We must appear as if everything is going as He has planned. We'll be dead in a minute if he discovers us. You don't have to be civil towards me, Lily, but that baby is counting on us now." She was perched on the edge of the bed, her arms tucked to her chest, her tears still flowing.

"Harry counted on me," she whispered, "James counted on me." Severus slumped a little in his chair. She knew she hadn't said a single word about her family since their first outburst nearly a month and a half ago.

"It wasn't your fault, Lily."

"If your child was murdered wouldn't you blame yourself?" she spat, her eyes suddenly angry. Severus flinched visibly.

"This child will not die. I'm going to take care of us."

"That's what James said." Lily wiped her eyes and lay back down on the bed, her eyes staring blankly at the wall. She could feel him staring at her but ignored him, her stomach churning.

This was too complicated. He stood, but instead of leaving her presence he sat directly on the bed. He was taking a chance when he reached out and rested his hand on her shoulder in a comforting sort of gesture. It had been so long since she'd felt a kind touch of another human being she very soon felt herself relaxing beneath his hand. When she felt him getting up to leave a single desperate act of loneliness caused her to spring up and grab hold of his middle, pulling him back down. She could sense his surprise as she curled up against him, sobbing, and he awkwardly wrapped his arms around her. He was completely silent but allowed her to wet his robes with tears, squeezing her every so often as if to remind her that she was still there. Lily eventually managed to cry herself to sleep.

Severus stared at the broken woman in his arms, knowing she was only there out of desperation and not because his pent up emotions matched her own. His heart swelled a little, however, and he couldn't tear himself away from her. For the time she slept, he was right there. Her head rested against the softness of his stomach and he sat perfectly still for her, occasionally brave enough to reach out and smooth a strand of hair behind her ear or out of her face. This woman was carrying his child.

He loved her.


	9. Chapter 9

"_Maybe he won't be such a jackass now that…"_

"_Now that he's got a release?"_ The idiot snickered and Severus pulled the small trembling form to his side in a possessive manner. What those moron's didn't know is, if they dared touch her there would be hell to pay.

Severus was highly respected within the Death Eaters, mainly for his prowess in Potion-Making and the Dark Arts. The Dark Lord had used his expertise many a time to punish those who had offended his reign, not that it was a job Severus was particularly proud of. However, there was a sort of shared treasure between all members of the Death Eaters. That was their Mudblood women. The thinking went that these slaves were not worth being protective over so, many times, they would be shared between the lower ranking men. It was a little out of the ordinary that Severus had even devoted the time to keeping Lily alive. If he'd asked, he knew he would've been rewarded with a wife of higher standing within the group.

That didn't matter, and Severus had never asked for a woman before, so he was banking on his own prestige to protect the little woman at his side. He growled at any who dared look at her. No one came too close.

As they took their seats, Severus directed Lily to the floor at his feet. This was the 'proper' way for low ranking women to sit at the meetings. He pretended to smack her so he could lean down to whisper through the hole in his mask, "Just keep low. If he calls on us to present your pregnancy, do so without a word. He won't harm you or the child."

She barely nodded at him and nestled herself directly between his legs. She knew that he was her safety now. If something went wrong, being as close to Severus as possible was her only hope. She didn't even have her wand.

The room went silent as the pale figure who had haunted Lily's nightmares strolled into the room. Severus went blank, using his practiced Occlumensy skills to hide any emotions deep within his mind. The Dark Lord was a skilled Legilimens and enjoyed poking into his followers' minds just for the hell of it. Severus had found out about that the hard way. It had only happened once.

The man grinned at them quietly, his dark hair combed neatly, his blue eyes piercing as he looked around the room. When he spoke, it sounded more like a hiss, "Good evening, my friends. It is good to see that everyone is accounted for."

Voldemort stood. He enjoyed pacing the room because he knew his presence invoked fear in the hearts of his followers. Severus assumed it was a way of weeding the weak out. Voldemort required absolute silence when he was speaking, and if anyone so much as awkwardly shuffled their feet there would be a flash of light and a body to dispose of. He continued speaking, making his way around the table.

"As I am certain you are aware, this month we were able to crack the Ministry worker who'd been so stubbornly refusing to cooperate. He's one daughter less now, but that is his own doing." Severus swallowed, feeling Lily grip his trousers. "We now have a wealth of information regarding the Department of Mysteries. He is especially knowledgeable on the subject of death and mortality. We will be learning all we can from him." Severus could feel the Dark Lord standing directly behind him, but he dared not turn his head. He felt a hand on his shoulder and froze. He wouldn't even breathe. Voldemort smiled down at Lily, who was not looking at him. "Those who have knowledge have power."

"This brings me to my next point.," he left Severus and continued his way down the table, "I need to know about the babies." Severus shuddered softly, a few of the men he called friends giving him sympathetic glances.

"I trust you all have followed my instructions. Please stand while I make certain none have failed me." At once, the men stood, their women clinging to their sides. A few looked just as Lily did, frightened but trusting of who they were holding onto. A few looked unbelievably terrified of everyone in the room, including the person they clutched. Some sported tiny round bellies and some, like Lily, were still small and flat. The Dark Lord took out his wand and a few of the women squeaked and hid away from him. This merited them each a slap on the face and they were roughly pulled into view once more. Severus held his hand on Lily's back to keep her still.

The Dark Lord murmured a soft spell that Severus had never heard before and suddenly each of the women's bellied glowed softly pink. He saw Lily's eyes widen. Each of the women who were pregnant had a small wriggling shadow in her belly, the men seeming just as surprised as the women. Severus looked down at Lily and sure enough there was a tiny dark dot, not yet old enough to move, pressed against one side of her middle. Severus couldn't help but smile proudly behind his silver mask and sure enough the Dark Lord's eyes passed over them with approving eyes. There were three couples with nothing to show. This was too large of an offense for the Dark Lord to carry out his punishment during their meeting. Severus felt a pang of fear for them, knowing he would be cruel.

The only couple out of danger was Rodolphus Lestrange and his wife, personal pet of the Dark Lord himself. Severus grimaced inwardly at the thought of the Dark Lord with that monster of a woman, but had to admit they made a good match for each other. Regulus Black and the Halfblood woman he'd acquired several years prior stood next to Rodolphus, their baby a bit larger than anyone else's. In fact, Severus knew she'd been pregnant at least a month before the order had been given. Regulus was his best mate and deeply in love with the timid woman at his side. She would be well cared for.

The meeting was dismissed as the glow left the womb's of the women and Severus whisked Lily away without a second thought. They'd passed. He needed to speak with Lucius again, but not here. This was far too sensitive for the meetings.


	10. Chapter 10

**Hello, lovelies! Sorry for the delay! I just want to address a common question I've been receiving: What are Voldy's plans with the babies? It obviously takes years for them to grow into suitable followers, right?**

**The answer: all in good time, dearies. I can't exactly reveal that to you now, can I? I hope you enjoy this installment! Every favorite and every review only makes me want to keep writing!**

Lily sat on a wooden stool, staring down into the dark yellow brew currently slowly stirring itself counter-clockwise. She was munching on her apple, humming softly to herself as she looked up and smiled at what she saw. Severus always looked so serious when he was potion-making and as she watched him thinly slice a palm heart she had a moment of déjà vu back to their days as lab partners in Slughorn's class. It was so much simpler then. She missed it.

Her eyes went back to the potion as Severus slid the last ingredient in, pulling his self-stirring ladle out and setting it aside before turning the heat down.

"Just a simmer now," He said softly and she nodded in agreement. He looked up at her and narrowed his brow. "Lily?"

His voice was stern and she looked up at him in worry, her eyes a bit wide. "Yes?"

He stared at her for a long moment, drumming his fingers against the wooden table. "You haven't even sipped your milk. The baby needs the calcium. I expect you to finish it."

She rolled her eyes and got down from her stool before taking the glass in her free hand. Just to prove a point, she drank half the glass right then and raised an eyebrow as if to ask _"happy?" _Shortly after their first meeting with the Death Eaters together Severus had really dove into literature on babies and parenting. Although his dedication was sweet at first, she was a bit annoyed with it now. He was constantly handing her potions and vitamins to take, worrying over cerebral palsy, insisting the little one needed their record player to constantly play the one Mozart record they owned. Honestly, if he knew what it was like to deal with his constant worrying.

On the other hand she was glad for it. He was doting and dutiful to a fault but she couldn't help but enjoy the pampering she received. He rubbed her feet and ankles at night when she asked and fluffed her pillows. He cooked her whatever she desired and the few times she'd thrown up, he'd been right beside her ready to hand her ginger ale mixed with a bit of potion he'd brewed especially to help morning sickness. Out of all the Death Eaters she might've ended up with, she knew Severus was the best. A knock came at the door and Lily smiled genuinely. As of late Severus' mate, Regulus Black, had been joining them for tea. Regulus always brought along his girlfriend, Lorna.

When Severus opened his door Lily was directly behind him, eagerly awaiting a chance to speak with Lorna. They'd become fast friends and enjoyed swapping gossip about the men and laughing over tea. Severus and Regulus would always roll their eyes but sit beside them and try to defend themselves when they could, often to no avail. It was always a treat to have Regulus and Lorna over. It was something Lily looked forward to quite a lot.

As soon as Lorna saw Lily she had her arms around her friend and Lily was laughing as if she didn't have a care in the world. Despite the darkness and gloom that surrounded them almost constantly, this was a rare opportunity to feel like a human being again. Severus ushered them all to the living room where biscuits and tea were already out and ready for the afternoon. Lily sat down beside him and immediately began to speak.

"Lorna! You're positively glowing, dear!" Lily remarked. It was true. Her friend was already five months along, two months more than Lily was, and although her stomach had swelled she was still absolutely gorgeous. It wasn't a question why Regulus had fallen so deeply for her. Lily could see it in his eyes whenever he looked at her.

"Well, look at you, Lily!," Lorna replied with a laugh, "You're finally starting to round out, aren't you?" Lily blushed and placed a hand against her stomach, smiling.

"Yes, well, the little bean is sprouting, I suppose." She missed the proud look that immediately overtook Severus' expression when she said so, but Regulus did not.

"Ah, I see someone's grumpy arse is eager to become a father.," Regulus teased and Severus immediately scowled unconvincingly. Lily looked back at him and rolled her eyes.

"I wouldn't be so sure, Regulus. I think he's mostly concerned the baby will have just one head, ten fingers, and ten toes." Regulus quirked an eyebrow at Severus who shrugged a little, unbeknownst to Lily. Regulus knew Severus exceptionally well and they'd had many private conversations over just how Lily and he were getting along. As the women talked eagerly about their coming babies, he looked at Severus and tried to judge how the man was taking everything.

It was clear his friend was absolutely smitten with the woman beside him. For the love of Merlin, he did not understand how Lily could not see it herself. Lorna and he had discussed it many times over and Lorna suspected it was because Lily was still in a state of denial. What had happened to her family and her entire life in the past few months was devastating, yet she seemed perfectly normal whenever Lorna and he visited. In his private letters to Severus, his friend had expressed the same concerns. Apparently, Lily wasn't very open to speak about James or the baby she'd lost, who Severus had only recently founds name was Harry. She tended to avoid Severus in the evenings or sometimes in the middle of the day. His friend was trying to be understanding but Regulus knew that it was wearing on him. That was probably why Severus had taken to worrying so much over the baby's health. It was, at the very least, a way to interact with Lily.

The friends chatted for a few hours, Lily and Lorna doing most of the talking, before Regulus and Lorna bid Severus and Lily a good night and headed home. Severus, who'd been quiet most of the evening, shut the door behind them and turned to speak to Lily but she was already gone.

He sighed to himself. As he'd watched her grow with their child his feelings for her had only grown deeper and deeper. He wanted to tell her, he really did, but she was obviously not yet at peace with the loss of her late husband and their child. So he stuffed those feelings down deep inside himself and simply doted on and berated her with new potions for her pregnancy to try. Sometimes, all it was was sugar water with a bit of vinegar, an excuse to speak with her. It was pathetic, but he didn't have many other options.

He was genuinely worried about the baby's health and longed to place his hand against the soft rounding of her stomach. But that she guarded more closely than anything else and he didn't dare try. He could only hope she would let him see his baby when it was actually born.

As night began to fall and Lily didn't bother coming for dinner, he lay down on his usual spot: the old lumpy couch in the living room. He was tired and she obviously didn't want him pestering her so he closed his eyes and after a few minutes of tossing he fell asleep.

He awoke in what seemed like moments, but in reality was several hours later, to the warmth of something pressed against him on the couch. He opened his eyes and saw Lily, staring at him, her body pressed awkwardly against him. He opened his mouth to speak, then closed it again, unsure of what to say.

"I get… lonely.," came her small voice as she laid her head down, her face level with his collarbone. Her eyes were slowly dripping tears, he noticed then, and he dumbly nodded a bit.

"It's fine. Sleep." He managed to whisper and edged back as far as he could to give her room on the couch. He did not hold her. He tried not to touch her, for the sake of her own comfort, but her hand clenched a fistful of his grey tshirt. He did not protest, but acciod an extra blanket for her, making certain it was laid over her properly. She was asleep within minutes.

He was awake all night.


	11. Chapter 11

**Hello, friends! Hope you enjoy the next installment. I know it's a bit slow for now, but the plot will pick up again! **

The click of her knitting needles was going to drive him mad!

He'd bought them for her at a small thrift shop in Diagon Alley along with several balls of the softest yarn he could find in order to give her something else to do while she was trapped in the house. He knew she'd been bored with everything and that was causing her mind to dwell on unpleasantness and worries that couldn't be good for her or the baby.

But the knitting needles were the wrong way to go. He cringed now whenever he heard the constant metallic clicking. Severus was a man of silence. The slight constant irritant was grating on his nerves.

He had not commented on it, of course, because she seemed to find so much joy in it. She'd already knitted several pairs of tiny socks and bonnets for the baby that would be along in just three months. She looked properly pregnant now and every time Severus looked her way he could not help but feel his heart swell with pride. He wrote Regulus often describing her progress and even Reg thought she was coming along well.

They still did not speak often, he and Lily, but she did not avoid him as she once did. The fear in her eyes when he would grumble angrily over a botched potion subsided over time, to his relief. He hated seeing her so frightened and knowing he was to blame for it.

When he was younger, Lily had been the first girl he'd ever thought he might like to kiss. She was the first, later, that he saw behind closed eyes during many heavy and sexually frustrated wank sessions. He remembered how entranced he'd been with the mere smattering of freckles along her nose that always were so much more pronounced in the summer sun. The way she smirked at him when he was grumbling over homework or the Marauders or anything, really, that bothered him. She always knew how to stop his grumbling, how to make him feel the light in his heart again, how to stop help him to worrying and simply be.

He wanted more than anything to be that same person for her now. He could see the heaviness in her sagging shoulders. She did not glow as Lorna did, rather her stomach sagged and seemed to weigh on her body and soul. It was all too obvious she did not want this baby. She did not want to be here. She did not want to rekindle any kind of friendship with him.

Severus was not particularly skilled at showing her his feelings. Or anyone, for that matter. He was a quiet, introverted soul and always had been. But now… He couldn't help but feel she needed someone very unlike himself at the present moment. Unfortunately, he was her only company. Lorna had been bedridden for the past week as her baby had tried coming early.

Something needed to change in their present relationship. If that meant he risked embarrassment, he knew he needed to accept that.

"Lily?" he called out from the kitchen. Dinner was nearly ready and he heard her knitting needles stop their clicking.

"Yes?" came her reply a moment later, and he detected a hint of unease in her tone.

"Would you mind joining me in the kitchen?"

Another pause, a groan, and a shuffle of feet. Lily's head poked into the kitchen and stared at him, unsure of what was happening. He took a deep breath.

"Go on. Sit down, then. I'd hate for your feet to swell anymore." His voice was kind but she looked increasingly suspicious, her hands resting protectively against her stomach. He turned and smiled a little at her as he approached.

"I was just wondering if you might allow me to touch your stomach? I…" his face was beet red "I read it's good for babies to hear and feel both of us." She stared at him, wide eyed, and surprisingly nodded rather quickly, immediately taking her hands away from her stomach.

He stepped forward and knelt down, looking into her eyes and smiling softly to try and dispel any fear she may have. Lily hitched up her shirt, revealing the tightening skin beneath where the child they'd conceived now grew. It surprised him, her seeming ease with his request. He'd thought she'd been far more frightened. He had been willing to provide her… comfort.

To his shock, however, he felt her grip his hand and pull it to her stomach.

His hand rested there for a moment when he felt a small bump collide with his palm. He let out a shocked breath and his eyes widened.

"There she is." Lily whispered and that was when he noticed she was crying. He looked up at her and his brow furrowed. Why should she be crying?

"I don't understand, Lily." He said softly and she buried her face in her hands, shaking as she cried. It was seldom he'd ever see her cry and it always set him on unease. He took his hand away from her skin reluctantly and was about to speak again when she started first.

"Of course you don't understand! But you do care! You do!" she let out a choked sob and continued, "I- I thought you w-were just going to use the b-baby to make _him _happy. I thought.. I thought…"

He was shocked. After all his planning with Lucius, after everything he did for her and the baby, she still thought her being pregnant was simply a way to rise through the ranks? It would have offended him, had he not known how broken she already was on the inside. He knew she was frightened and insecure and didn't really trust him. It hurt, but he understood.

"No." He said simply and watched as she wiped her tears and looked at him, waiting for him to say more. When he didn't, she took a deep breath.

"When are we leaving, then? The baby's going to b-be here soon."

"I know. I'm working on it."

"But…"

"I'm working on it. That's all I can say." He spoke quietly, pulling her shirt down to cover her stomach again. "With my dying breath I will keep you and the baby safe from harm. I swear to that."

She went quiet and stared at him, her fingers trembling as she fixed the hem of her shirt.

"And what of after we're safe?"

"That's for you to decide."

"I can leave?" she whispered in amazement and stared out the window.

"Yes. With or without the child." He managed to get out, the words sticking in his throat. If he got her far enough away, she could slip unnoticed away. He may never see her, them, again.

"I can leave the baby? You'd raise it?" She asked and for a moment he was surprised she seemed tempted to do so. Lily loved children. She always had. To his horror, he realized it must be that she just couldn't stomach the thought of raising a child with him. He nodded stiffly, then went back to dinner, putting the finishing spices on precisely.

It was quiet for several minutes, nothing but the sound of the casserole bubbling to fill the room.

Severus nearly burnt himself when he felt her small arms wrap around his waist. He stopped what he was doing immediately and without thinking turned himself around and wrapped his arms around her in return. Suddenly, he just couldn't hold back, his voice so desperate it shook, "I'm here. I'm here." His body trembled and his face was buried in her neck, not knowing why he felt so compelled to reassure her of his presence. Merlin, how he'd missed her companionship, her soft warmth, the gleam of mischief that thankfully had never left her eyes. To live without her again would be a torture he knew he could not willingly bear. She was shaking her head, her arms tight around him.

"I'm not leaving." His heart thumped wildly in his chest with the joy and overwhelming relief that filled him as he heard those words. She wasn't afraid of him, not anymore. He nodded.

"I'm not feeding our baby to the Dark Lord." He affirmed and felt her tuck her head against his chest. Things had to go better now. They just had to.

He needed to speak to Lucius.

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	12. Chapter 12

Every damn time she flinched, she could feel his eyes on her. The contractions were still random. Still light, if she could use her first pregnancy as reference, yet despite assuring him of this time and time again she could feel his anxiety; knowing it was something he could barely contain. Lily was well-rounded, her ankles swollen, back aching, and beyond irritated with the well-meaning man who was currently trying his best not to voice his concerns.

Over the past several days, she could feel her time nearing. The baby moved more, a sign the little thing was readying itself for delivery, but her water had not broken nor were her contractions consistent and so Lily felt no need to leave for St. Mungo's just yet.

She needed to be alone. With a soft grunt and a push she managed to lift herself out of the chair she sat in, waddling with as much grace as she could muster to the baby's future bassinet. This small home in Spinner's End did not provide anywhere suitable for a child's own private bedroom. Severus' old childhood room had fallen in on itself years ago. So, tucked in a warm draft-less corner, was the bassinet Severus had bought for the child. It was stark white with a warm looking red blanket tucked inside. They did not have a lot, but she knew Severus had pooled any amount of money he'd been able to save over the years in preparation for the baby. And that had only bought him this bassinet, the blanket, a few pairs of soft looking onesies, and a few packages of diapers.

_We should have left by now._

Something was wrong. Despite his promises, Severus still had nowhere safe for them to run to. This baby would be here any day now and then… And then Lily honestly did not know what would happen.

He wouldn't speak of it with her, and she had noticed him becoming increasingly nervous as the days wore on. Had the Malfoy's backed out? Was there simply nowhere for them to go? All he would say to her was that he was "working on it".

_He promised._

She placed her hand against the taught skin of her stomach as she sat on the corner of the bed she'd practically claimed as her own. Severus, refusing any offers from her to sleep alongside her, still slept on that terribly old musty couch. It wasn't that she wanted him in her bed, despite the occasional lonely night, but more that she felt a strange guilt over stealing his own home from him.

This baby could come tonight. Her fingers ran absentmindedly across her swollen abdomen, so lost in thought she did not notice the figure in the door until he spoke.

"You shouldn't walk about this close to time."

She jumped a little, looking up at him with the same fearful wide eyes that held entirely too many unpleasant memories for a woman her age. She could see his firmness falter, his dark chocolate brown eyes softening.

"Lie down. I'll bring dinner to you." With those words he was gone as quickly as he had appeared, leaving Lily staring at the doorframe.

Another contraction. Lily's entire body tensed and she closed her eyes as she rode out the wave-like pain. They were getting worse and yet, she ignored them.

"Quiet, little one. Not yet." She often spoke to the child within her whenever Severus was not around. As if the baby were her secret, her sole comfort in this world. In truth, it was all that had kept her from making an attempt on her own life.

She felt betrayed. Betrayed by the man who should have been there to save her family. Her real family. She missed James and Harry as she would miss an arm or a leg. Why wasn't he there? Why didn't he stop it. And why, if he could not save them, why didn't he allow her to die alongside them? And WHY- WHY did he clean her up, heal her, show her such gentleness, if all he wanted out of her was the baby she now carried? Why did he feel the need to be kind? Lily did not know Severus to be a particularly sentimental person, so she had a hard time convincing herself it was out of any reminiscence of their lost friendship. Was this some sort of game he was playing? Did he really plan on keeping them safe?

This last question haunted her. Lily refused to lose this child. She absolutely refused. It would break her down to nothing to hand this baby over to Voldemort. The scary part was, she wasn't entirely certain she wouldn't have to.

Severus showed little of his feelings towards the baby, aside from ensuring it was healthy. He did not speak to it. Did not discuss naming with her. It was if this were something he simply was forced to do. And it broke Lily's heart.

Despite everything, Severus was the father of her child. She needed him.

She hadn't realized she'd been crying. As she slowly came to her senses she felt the wetness on her cheeks, her neck, her hands, her feet. She sniffled, attempting to quiet herself so as not to disturb Severus. Luckily, he seemed not to have heard her as the clanging down in the kitchen suggested he was still preparing dinner undisturbed. With a heavy sigh, Lily struggled to her feet, the wetness in the carpet making a soft squishing sound. She looked down and her eyes widened. That was entirely too much fluid to be tears. Suddenly, as if the floodgates were opened when she stood, Lily felt a rush of liquid flow from her, splashing onto the ground. This was it. She could feel another contraction approaching, and in the last moments before it arrived she screamed.

"SEVERUS!"


	13. Chapter 13

**Hello, all! Sorry for the long break. I hope to be back a bit more frequently in these coming months! I hope you enjoy and, as always, I can't thank you enough for all your lovely reviews, favorites, and follows!**

There was a clatter.

Pounding footsteps drawing near.

A thin, tall, frightened looking man was at the door.

She almost laughed, he could tell.

Red pasta sauce dripped down the front of his black cloak, a few spare droplets plopping onto the floor. He hardly noticed the burning sensation that emanated from the sauce that had reached a boil on the stovetop pot before being flipped in a panic all across his torso. He tried to appear calm.

"Is something the matter?" He had never heard her scream his name in such a way in these past many months. Of course he assumed something was wrong.

"I-I think we need to go to St. Mungo's now, please." She was trembling, holding her stomach, her eyes looking expectantly up at him. He began to remove his cloak, throwing the dirty fabric out of sight.

"St. Mungo's?" He felt distant.

"My water broke." She cringed and he took an instinctive step in her direction, his hand resting against her upper back. He was surprised when she did not flinch away. His mind could not seem to process what was happening.

"Your water…"

"Damn it, Severus!" This contraction wasn't fading as he had noticed her others had. Her fingers dug into the sheets.

"We-… Ah… We can't go to St. Mungo's." He was still waiting for his brain to work properly.

"And why the hell can't we?!" Lily's eyes burned their emerald green with pain and fear. That was all it took. Every book, every manuscript he had read came flooding back. He pulled her back towards the pillows, helping her to lie down.

"Because they'll ask questions that if we give answers to, we will be hunted and killed." A Death Eater had to be good with healing spells or expect to die, because any magical hospital in their right mind would immediately recognize them for who they truly were and send them straight to the Ministry. Azkaban was next. "And I can't send you alone or you'll be in danger of accidentally giving too much information."

"Severus!" Her features screamed absolute shock. "How am I supposed to have this baby?"

"I'll deliver it." He said in a gruff voice, trying his best to sound calm.

It was suddenly silent. He didn't dare look at her, summoning hot towels and some warm water. Just as several bottles of pain potion fell into his hand, she spoke.

"You're joking." She sounded horrified. "You can't expect me to have the baby here."

"I can, and I do." He uncorked one vial, about to hand it to her when he felt a smack against his shoulder. His head snapped up. She was staring at him, tears running down her face. Severus knew Lily, he knew her mannerisms, and this Lily was afraid. Afraid and angry.

"I'm going to St. Mungo's." Her voice sounded unsure, but desperate. His jaw tightened.

He shook his head. "You're staying here. Now, lie back so I can examine you." There was an odd sense of calm overtaking him, as if he needed to balance her panic. He went to slip her skirt off and there was a sudden stinging sensation across his face.

"You stay away from me!" She cried out, her voice unnaturally high. His hand went up to rub the reddening skin where she had slapped him.

"Lily, I need access to you in order to deliver our baby safely." His brow furrowed. "Now, either you will undress yourself, or I will be forced to do so. Choose quickly."

She was crying now. Damn it, why did she have to cry?

"No… I w-want to go to St. M-Mungo's…"

"You can't. This is the only way to insure our child's safety." His voice had lowered, hoping to appear soothing and non-threatening though he wasn't certain he would be the slightest bit successful.

"Please."

"No."

She stared at him, tears streaming down her reddening cheeks. She did not want Severus anywhere near her right now. She felt entirely too vulnerable. The last time she had felt this way, they had conceived this baby. She sniffled. His hand reached towards her, holding a small vial or bluish colored potion.

"Take this." His voice gentled, but remained firm. "It will help with the pain."

He let out the breath he was holding when, after a moment, she did as he bid and tipped the liquid into her mouth. He gave her a tight smile. "I know what I'm doing. I need you to undress your lower half now. I promise, I won't look or touch any more than absolute necessary." He did not know what he was doing. What he did know was a lot of home birth instructions from books.

She looked like she was about to protest, but then another contraction hit and she let out a soft cry of pain. He placed a hand against her shoulder and watched her with growing concern. Her labor was coming fast which meant they needed to act quickly.

"Do I need to undress you?" He asked as he gathered up a sheet, ready to drape it across her hips and legs once they were exposed. He knew from his reading it would be counterproductive for her to see the amount of blood associated with delivery. Severus was used to blood.

Lily shook her head and began to undress herself, however she was quickly unable to continue due to another contraction. Severus was concerned by how quickly they were coming now. Without another word he slipped his fingers beneath the waistband of her skirt and pulled it swiftly down along with her underwear. She didn't protest.

Severus rolled up his sleeves and performed a thorough antiseptic spell, making certain his work would not be introducing infection to her body. There was no time to think. A moment later he was slowly working his hand towards her cervix.

Now, this was a strange and uncomfortable situation if either Severus or Lily would choose to think too much on it at that moment. But the amount of pain Lily was in and Severus' intense focus on simply getting the baby and Lily through this with lives intact kept them both from considering this too closely. Severus grunted , already sweating.

"Holy fuck, I can feel the head." He gasped.

"Get it out!" Lily screeched, and he gestured to the table laden with potions.

"Take another! It will help. You'll need to push in a minute and I doubt you'll have time after you start that!"

Surprisingly, she did as she was told and took another vial, closing her eyes as she waited for it to kick-in. For both their sakes, Severus hoped it wouldn't take long for her to notice the effects. He withdrew his hand, placing the other on her knee.

"I'm right here, Lily. I-I'm going to talk you through this, okay? Okay." He wasn't quite certain if she was even listening. "Now, on the count of three, I need you to give the best push you've got."

He looked up at her and their eyes locked. For a moment, he could do nothing but stare into those beautiful green eyes that bore such strong emotions. But then she screamed and he was brought back to reality.

"Right.. One. Two… Three. Now, Lily!"

It seemed as if each and every muscle available to her was putting forth their effort as her body tensed. There was no doubt she was pushing to the best of her ability. Something just had to be shifting though he could see no change outwardly. He counted to ten in his head.

"Stop! Breathe!" She collapsed back onto the pillows and panted hard, her body covered in sweat.

"Severus…" Her voice sounded like a sob. The hand gripping her knee tightened its' hold.

"I'm here. I'm here." Why was he saying that? "It'll be over soon, Lils. Okay? Just a few more pushes. I'm going to count to three again…"

She gave a weak nod, her eyes closed in preparation.

"One.. Two. Three!"

Again she tensed, and again it looked incredibly taxing. This time however, she started to scream. It was a scream of absolute agony. Agony as, while Severus watched, the top of the baby's head appeared and ripped the skin of her intimate parts. He grabbed a hot towel, pressing it to her.

"The- The head, Lily!" He tried to encourage her, wiping off the top of the infant's head where fuzzy ginger hair sprung. "The baby has your hair! Lils, just one more big push!"

"I-I can't!" She sobbed, her body trembling. She looked absolutely spent.

"Yes you can. Don't be silly!" He shot back, perhaps a bit cruelly in his expectation, and gave her knee a gentle squeeze. "Push! Now!"

She was a bit slower this time, her breathing far from steady. This time when she tightened it was significantly weaker. But the baby's face appeared and so did the shoulders. He caught the tiny thing in a towel, his excitement taking over.

"Lily! I have him! Her? It's almost out! Almost! One last little push and she's ours, Lils!"

She was staring at him, watching as his hands caught the little life that slowly emerged from between her legs. She watched as a smile unlike any other she had seen erupted on his face and lingered there. She watched, and suddenly… She felt at peace.

With the last of her effort, she gave one final push and the pressure she felt was suddenly gone. Severus pulled the small wriggly thing into his arms and worked quickly to clear the baby's airways, rubbing life into its' chest with that same soft towel.

There was a small cry. Severus laughed. Not an ironic or self-deprecating laugh, a truly happy laugh.

"A little girl! We have a little baby girl!" He laughed again, snatching his wand from the table as Lily panted on the bed. He tied off the umbilical cord and used a cleansing charm, the tiny creature still crying hysterically in its' wobbly high voice as he wrapped her in the soft red blanket he'd bought for her.

It was as if everything else was irrelevant as he looked into his daughter's eyes. She was going to look entirely like her mother, he could tell already. Tiny nose and full lips, same tone of voice whenever she was angry. He hardly noticed he was crying.

"Oi…" His watery eyes snapped to Lily. She looked tired, uncomfortable, and… happy. Her breathing was still heavy and uneven but she didn't look at him with hatred, contempt, or distrust. There was a small smile resting on her lips. "Can I see her?"

"Of course."


End file.
